Ebor Forestry

Time to reassemble.

A year without blogging

Some things we learned in the last year:

• BLOGGING IS A LONELY BUSINESS: WITNESS EBORFOREST
• URBAN FORESTRY DIDN'T DIE: IT WAS A FIGMENT OF ALAN SIMSON'S IMAGINATION ALL ALONG
  
• FEW PEOPLE CARE ABOUT SOCIETY NOW: SOCIETY IS DYING ON ITS ARSE
• EVEN LESS PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YORKSHIRE FORWARD: NOT EVEN YORKSHIRE FORWARD. ITS PREPOSTEROUS: WITNESS F.E.Y.
  
• THE TORIES HAVE COME UP WITH A GOOD IDEA AT LAST: SCRAP RDAs
• CUCUMBERS ARE BEAUTIFULLY TASTY IF HOME GROWN. WE RECOMMEND 'WAUTOMA'
• NOT ALL OLD CARAVANS LEAK
• THE WEST COAST OF IRELAND IS A LONELY PLACE FOR A MAN IN SEARCH OF A DECENT LARCH

Foresters Are Boring

It has been brought to my attention that foresters are boring. Not that anyone really needed to tell us over here at suburbaneborforest, a sub-regional off-shoot of suburbanforest. We have been beavering away in one corner of the caravan for the past few months on a research project on this very topic. With a little cash from SITA, some borrowings form Yorkshire Forward Investment Banking and a merino wool scarf to keep out the worst of the draughts, we set Dr. Connie Furze to work on yet another post-post doctoral thesis. The findings will be published shortly on www.imaselfobsesseddustymegalomaniac.ac.uk/research/furze/bullshit
In idle conversation over a quick mug of Camp coffee while we were waiting for her GWizz to charge up on the Zigg, Connie finally spewed a few choice nuggets from her academic gullet.
"Foresters spend a lot of time alone with a spray can, fantasising about large machinery. This is obviously a profession which draws in those who, by dint of their first view of the naked mother in youth as a castrated male, pine for the fetish to replace the lost genitalia."
"Or they're all pompous cocks" came the voice from the chemical toilet cupboard, into which Bud was squeezed, seeing off the last of a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream as he wrestled papers from the filing cabinet therein. Still bitter at being snubbed on his seventh attempt with the ICF, his joy in shouting "Cock" for the nineteenth time that afternoon remained unalloyed.
Connie went on. " We have questionnaired 208 leading foresters in the North of England. Although seventeen replies, an 8.17 percent return, is not a statistically valid sample of the forester population, we have enough coherent data to make some scientific assumptions about the respondents' profiles. And it seems from a primary sift of the database, with corrections applied, that they're all pompous cocks."
So there you have it. From the horse's mouth. It's a fact.
Cocks.

Eborforest Silky Pruning Saw Massacre - an idea for a film

When Eva Forestry (Angelina Jolie) hears that the New Earwick cemetery where her grandfather is buried has been vandalized, she gathers her wheelchair-bound brother Crispin (Martin Jarvis) and several other friends together to see if grandpa's remains are still in one piece. While in the area, Eva and her friends decide to visit grandfather's old farmhouse. Unfortunately, a family of homicidal slaughterhouse workers who take their job home with them have taken over the house next door. Included amongst the brood is Leatherarse (Justin William Timberpond), a Hayaguchi-six-metre-telescopic-pruner-wielding human horror show who wears a face mask made out of human skin, hair, Terrier Bitter and dripping. Eva's friends are rapidly exterminated one-by-one by the next-door neighbours, leaving only Eva left to fight off Leatherarse and his clan.
What do you think? I think it could work

On closer inspection...

Who's watching the watchers, eh?

Even in the most public of places, they just can't help themselves.
What was that about context?

Who's watching the watchers in the woods?

Well? You wanted context. Here they are in a woodland near you, watching.